I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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