totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Vodka?
Forever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
