Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
