We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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