I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
