i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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