I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it was like eating out sand paper
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
