My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
