Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
