If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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