Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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