I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
