new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
