I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize