So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
