Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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