I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
