New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
not ubering you a puppy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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