you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
