I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
