The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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