you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
