just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
