Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
