It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
