Please, let me fuck your mom
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
