I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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