totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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