I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
