I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.