those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
