I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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