I want to stick my p in your. b.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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