What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
