Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
