I've blown a few things in my day
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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