just come out here and I will go home with you...
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
