I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
