Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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