I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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