I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
