Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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