not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
