Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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