What a fucking waste of an outfit
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
