Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
