Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
