We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Randomize
