I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
