He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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