you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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