Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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