I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
