Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
