i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize