omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
