You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
