Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
